top of the world

It’s raining and I feel bored. So, sorry if this piece turns out to be long.

The recent discussion on my alumni-mailing list has
developed to very interesting topics. It was all started from a question from a
friend on the shocking news about an alumnus that is suspected to kill her
children –all of them are under 5 years old (balita). The question was soon
became a very hot issue, got a lot and diverse comments. All of them are very
enriching for me, some of them have even slapped me on my face and make me
think, for example a comment from a friend saying how mass media can be so
damaging and ignore the basic principle of presumption of innocence. We don’t
talk about the suspect here (as of course it’s a huge huge burden for her), but
most of it is the family of hers. The husband, the parents, the siblings, the
relatives –-all the unknowns that of course have hearts and I am sure it’s hurtful
for them as well.

The discussion has also been evolving broader and broader,
from the analysis about what could be the “reason” of the act (the
psychological and physiological aspects), to the very nature of human needs of respects and self-existence, to the role of housewives that until now,
sadly to say, is very very taken for granted by our modern society (and it’s
even more sadly to say, most of the time it’s the women themselves that retain
such undermining view of housewife’s role in their head –as a friend
experienced). Some of us, including me, departed our analysis from this point
of view (well, I admit that it’s mostly due to the influence of the media that
gave sort of ‘superhuman-but-feeling-unworthy’ description about her).

Related to the above description, the last comment I read just now is quite interesting. A friend’s saying that to some extent,
becoming us –-the students and ex-students of Tuttekdung (copyright by Tissa hehehe)–
is not easy. There are such huge burdens especially from people around us that
expect more from us. The kind of “social standard” for us as if we’re “superhuman”.
And it has been planted as well to our heads from the first day we entered that
sitting-elephant gate. Let me share with you the story of us and how we have been “crafted”
systematically to be a “superhuman”. 

Brainwash No.1: We’re the special and chosen ones

In welcoming us, the rector and other professors will tell
us how special we are. They will present to us (and our parents –-ya..ya..your
parents will be invited to the institution to hear this kinda remarks) some
statistics that show our position. Yes, you are there, on the tip of the
pyramid. You’re there on the top of the world. So, there’s no reason for you to
not being successful. If you get D or E on your exam sheet, you’re a loser. But
getting an A is not easy as well…of course! We’re not that regular
institution that give away A grade just like that, right?!

Brainwash No.2: Mens sana in corpore sano

Yeah…yeah…you are bright as the stars…but what the use of it
if you don’t have that physical health. Sounds reasonable huh? But what if your
healthy state is measured by a grade resulting from how much time you spend in
running around a football field –-6 times by the way. Or how skillful you are
in a sport –-can be swimming, tennis, badminton, basketball, arching, athletics,
martial art, etc. They don’t check your blood pressure, or your cholesterol
level, by the way (ehm…it’s how we measure our health, isn’t it?). Don’t like
sport? You’re a loser, pal!

Brainwash No.3: It’s hard out there, so you have to have
a strong mental state

Being harassed intellectually by your professors? Being
called stupid? or given a book titled something like ‘how to use your brain’? Piece of
cakeeee! Not enough, your senior brothers and sisters will make sure that you
have bold nerve by giving you exercises called ‘os’ (abbreviated from ospek)
–-during the whole first year—before you can enter this ‘alpha-beta-kappa-like’
Himpunan and award you with a piece of jacket. Some individuals that were brave
enough not to join this ritual have to bear a kind of social alienation from
the others (not in my department, fortunately, but in many others this
situation applies). C’moonnn….you won’t cry because of this, will you? The
world out there is harder than you think. Be strong!!

Brainwash No.4: Look at those alumni! Imagine you’re one
of them someday

I forget once in how many years, there will be the alumni
gathering in the campus. There gather those big shots, public figures, some ministers
maybe, famous business persons, faces that you can only see on TV, coming with
those expensive cars, branded outfits, sophisticated gadgets, etc etc. Imagine
you’re one of them. Ehm…btw, you have to! Don’t ever dare to show up if you’re not eligible!

Brainwash No.5 (this is only for the gals, I speak on behalf of all of you as well my dear gal friends): You’re in the
stockpile of guys, just pick one as your future husband!

What? Don’t get a boyfriend from Tuttekdung? What the heck
were you doing all those years? Hellooooo…as if it’s as easy as picking an
apple from a tree! But please, don’t ever think of giving reasons for this
“failure”. It won’t work. They won’t believe you. Whatever you say, there are two
titles stamped already on your forehead: (1) you’re too picky; (2) you’re not attractive
enough. Next time you’re being asked, just smile, okay?!

Brainwash No.6: You’re Tuttekdung alumni, go collect some million bucks, will you

Don’t have those cars yet? What? Being a housewife? C’moonnn…what’s the use of that degree? Next time you’re asked why you don’t work (btw, the term "work" nowadays means that you do something that give you money as return. If you stay at home, take care of your children around the clock, sorry girl, you don’t work), give them this reply, "Why not?!". And don’t forget to give your sweetest smile.

Well, maybe there are many other examples, but I am not
saying all the above things because I revolted those brainwashes or system at that time. Not
at all! I was not brave enough to revolt at that time, or even worse, I was a
believer of those dogmas! I was part of it. I was part of the crowd that
maintains some of those “cultures”. But time after time, slap after slap have
awakened and educated me. That’s a pseudo pride, don’t ya think? Yes, we might have been
sharpened on our intellectual and rational part of ourselves, but we’re so poor
in our emotional part of it.

I was quite lucky for having hideaways where I can forget all
those burdens, where grades or himpunan-or-non-himpunan didn’t matter, where we
could laugh at our bad luck and made fun of it. I have been quite lucky that I
am stubborn enough and not to care about what people think. I have been sooo
fortunate that my parents never burdened me with expectations. I have been
grateful that I don’t have to prove anything to anybody. The heck with
society’s expectation!

I don’t say that I have totally freed myself from those
mindsets. But some people are not lucky enough. Some people must –-like it or
not— live up with others’/our society’s expectations. Some people just don’t have
that buffer-zone or safety-net around them. And every people have their own
coping capacity. Now I say that we have huge and difficult task to do: changing
the mindset of our society. Otherwise, what my friend referred as a kind of
potential genetic disorder can be manifested more and more, triggered by these social
pressures.

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